Alfa Romeo 4C Features: Efficiency 1

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Original

Better written than some other pages, the first efficiency page still had a little room to improve.

Better written than some other pages, the first efficiency page still had a little room to improve.

My Version

Following the philosophy of the car, my version trims excess where it can.

Following the philosophy of the car, my version trims excess where it can.

What’s different:
In order to save weight, the Alfa Romeo 4C utilizes carbon figure, composite plastics and aluminum extensively. It’s small frame is devoid of excess, being purpose-built to weigh as little as possible.

Using the same philosophy, my version of the page delivers the same content with more dynamic language and fewer words. Shorter sentences and varying length keeps the reading more smooth (check the syllable count. Using phrases such as “twisty roads” in place of “trickiest roads” speaks better to driving enthusiasts and sounds more fun.

Removing the explanatory “This means” clause pulls a rather dull and unflattering sentence from the page. Replacing it with an active prepositional phrase delivers the information about the car’s weight/balance characteristics more smoothly and transitions beautifully to the claim about exquisite handling.

Using articles and “TH” words to start sentences is fine in moderation, but when possible it is better not to bore people by starting sentences on such a dry note, especially when talking about an exciting sports car.

Something else that needed a bit of redoing was the headline. “The race against weight” sounds like what a newspaper would start a feature about a person running a marathon to promote healthy lifestyles with. It’s not a bad, but it doesn’t really fit in context or concept.
Swapping it with “Redefining super-light” makes the headline more pertinent to the content it precedes and nods to the innovation that produced a curb weight a whole 300lbs lighter than the Fiat 500.

Worth noting: the localized weight figures apply to the European spec car. Creature comforts and outdated/silly safety regulations have added almost 100kg to the US model’s weight. That’s still around 1000lbs less than a midsize sedan though.

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